Barbara Richard

2010-05-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

I have a negative knee jerk reaction to the hate-mongering on the FOX news channel. I can't figure out why anyone who professes to love themselves and all mankind can expose themselves to the vitriolic diatribes, hatred and violence that seems to prevail on FOX. Rupert Murdoch has stated publicly that he cares nothing for accuracy, honesty or good manners as long as what he prints (or broadcasts) sells. As for me, when I'm accidently trapped by the ubiquitous blonde bimbos or the likes of Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin, (in the airport or restaurants, for example) I come away feeling like I should take a shower. Why can't viewers of FOX realize they are being manipulated by powers that do not have our best interests at heart?

As for the Tea Partiers, have they done enough research to learn that we pay the same amount of taxes now that our grandparents paid when Harry Truman was in office? There is a much bigger game than tax reduction afoot, and the TPs are playing right into it.

GO JON STEWART! Make us laugh.

2010-04-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

So many wonderful thoughts have escaped in the past four months. I apologize. We spent five weeks in Arizona in Jan, Feb and early March. It was a wonderful respite. It took some degree of bravery to leave Jim's mom alone that long, but it was very good for him. He had nearly made himself ill from worry about her, and the extreme costs of nursing home care. It's better now--we're getting used to writing those big checks. We're gradually thinning out the overabundance of property generated by her temporarily moving in with us last year.

I'm working on a couple of projects: My youngest sons and some of the grandkids have asked me to write the story of my second husband's life. He was a WWII veteran whose mother immigrated to the U.S. after WWI at age sixteen to homestead by herself. The two of them shared many great stories with me. I'm also considering a science fiction type story based on my forty years of research and study into the paranormal and the 2012 phenomenon. I have not set a deadline for completion of either project, although I believe the War Stories will take precedence.

Sales of all three books seem to march steadily along. I traveled to the Seattle area in early April to speak at a domestic violence/child abuse seminar. I plan to do more of that as time allows, although new projects seem to get in the way. I have a commitment in Sidney and Circle (MT) in July of this summer, and will visit other eastern Montana communities.

I'm keeping all the victims in my thoughts and intentions. Someday this terrible part of our earthly sojourn will be no more.

2009-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've received another confirmation of my attitude toward organized religion. A friend whom I thought had reached a level of enlightenment, is deeply involved in a "church" I will call New Age, for want of a better title.

All my life I have seen evidence that organized religion divides people and sets them against each other (among other destructive products.) In so many cases, when a seeker begins to awaken and discover the reasons for his indwelling on this earth, he (spoken generically) is so taken with his "discovery" that his course of action is to 1) record his feelings and conclusions about it, 2) build a fence around it, 3) organize it, 4) limit access to it (by imposing all kinds of requirements and exclusions), 5) declare himself "enlightened," and 6) STOP seeking and learning. Even those who never intended to form a new "church" or organization-e.g. Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed--are trapped in this scenario, because other seekers read their written words and without authorization or affirmation, perform items 2-6 above in the name of their so-called Master. It is my sincere belief that none of us can ever learn everything there is to know in the Universe, and we should never stop seeking and learning. Everything should be challenged, especially anything that remotely smacks of organized religion.

I suppose if I presented this viewpoint to my friend he would reject it, because there is a certain sense of security in clinging to one's "enlightened" absolutes. As for me, I believe that everything is possible, in heaven and on earth, and I am prepared for the coming development and advancement of human potential.

2009-12-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

Can I really be six weeks late with my posting? No excuse.

After all the trouble I've had with Trafford, now they've sold out to a company from Indiana. They decided to do a complete makeover of their website, and components have been missing for months. For example, I can't access the sales record for each of the three books. The website says they are "re-populating" my information, and it should be ready soon (first they said "mid-November" and now it's "as soon as possible.") VERY irritating. I don't like the webpages they built for each of my books. They are cryptic and not nearly as colorful as the old ones. The last order of books I received had sub-par photo quality, compared to previous shipments. Okay, I'm done complaining. I certainly hope they get their service straightened out soon. I'd like to order a few cases of books for next summer's book tour.

With Betty (Jim's mom) in the local nursing home, this house feels to big and too empty. We are trying to heat only the rooms we use regularly to save energy. A few years ago I made the statement that I would never spend another winter in Montana. And now here we are, and it's thirteen degrees below zero. "The best laid plans of mice and men." Because we don't want to get too far from her, we'll have to think of another way (other than going to Arizona) to get through till spring.

We had a quiet Thanksgiving compared to past years. Only two kids made it home: Marty and his family and Randy. Only one deer was harvested. I have a freezer full of leftovers. We'll be having a quiet Christmas at home, I think.

Speaking of Marty, there is concern in the family about his status as relates to the new troop surge for Afghanistan. He has not received notice of deployment, but he hasn't yet served a tour. We are thinking all kinds of positive thoughts to keep him home with his family.

I'm working on my essay. The trouble is, my research is leading me to an opening of mind and heart, and consequently a change in my preconceived notions. What a magnificent creature is man! And what a fantastic trove of information is out there for the seeker. If we could all realize our power and potential and link our abilities, we could change the ills of the Universe. We are not the broken, sinful misfits we are led to believe, by the Powers That Be and their cohorts. We are powerful, beautiful beings who choose our experiences and, through those choices, become co-creators with the universal intelligence. So far, from what I have learned, I have developed a few recommendations: Never stop questioning those in power, never assume that you have to allow others to make your decisions, and don't trust those who preach to you in absolutes. Challenge the accepted version of science, challenge organized religion, challenge politicians and challenge all others who have or wish to have power over your life.

I'm sorry to report that this blog was hacked, so I had to hide any comments, including those sent by my friends. The hacker was using my blog to further a hostile agenda. My friends may still comment and I can selectively receive those comments, but they won't be available for the world to see.

2009-10-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided to skip the last three book events for the year--Billings, Missoula and the Western Literature Association being held this year in Spearfish, S.D. Instead, Jim and I took a mini-tour around eastern Montana in late September, and it was very productive and enjoyable (we included Williston, North Dakota.) I have been lax in preparing to take part in the bookfests. It takes constant diligence and keeping in touch with the organizers, and I've had my mind elsewhere. I'll try to resume my efforts at promotion and speaking engagements next year.

One of the stops on our mini-tour (we pulled our camper) was a weekend in Circle, Montana, for their community's fall fun day. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my high school graduating class's fiftieth reunion was also being held that week-end. I was assured that I had been sent a letter of notification, but I had to admit I either didn't receive it or forgot about it (highly unlikely.) It was a very small class--only about thirty graduates--but of those, twenty six attended the reunion. I was amazed, and had a great time getting reacquainted. I also sold many books, and danced all night at the local pub.

In Williston, we were welcomed with enthusiasm at a local bookstore, and sold many of all three books. Several people came from eastern Montana for the event, people who had known me in my childhood and youth. I missed an opportunity to speak at the annual conference of North Dakota organizations that address domestic violence--the timing was off slightly and we couldn't connect. I've committed to try to attend next year. I've also agreed to be in Sidney (MT) in July. The need is great--it keeps me very busy.

Our last stop was at a wonderful little boutique gift shop in Terry, MT, that has sold dozens of my books. We met wonderful people and visited with aspiring authors. Check out the"Prairie Unique" website.

Now it's back to work. We've been hauling huge loads of firewood (beetle-killed pines) with the help of my two sons, Barry and Randy. I think we're about done, except for cutting and splitting all those logs to kindling size. It's hard work but it keeps us in shape (we intend to keep dancing!)

My mother-in-law's condition has improved slightly, but it appears she will be in the nursing home for the duration. A word of advice: Get Long Term Care insurance. She doesn't have it, and next month Medicare will cut off her nursing home payments. She then has to pay it herself, because she doesn't qualify for Medicaid. We've learned that one in three Americans will spend time in a nursing home (currently at $5,000 per month or more.) That makes the premiums well worth it.

2009-09-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

At the PNWA awards, "Dancing" did not place in the top three, but it was fun to be treated like royalty for a few days. I met a new agent; haven't decided yet whether to pursue that angle. My energy level is sorely wanting. I drove each way to Seattle and back in one day--a twelve hour trip. Good audio books saved the day.

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law suffered a series of small strokes, so our time has been consumed with concern for her. She is currently residing at the local nursing home, making some progress. She is now wheelchair bound. We did manage to wheel her a block up the street for dinner out last week. That's the beauty of this small town--everything is within a few blocks. We have a lovely little medical center, and she gets lots of individual, loving care. We have big decisions facing us about when to move back upstairs and put her things in storage.

I'm still doing research for my next book--an essay concerning "What Does It All Mean?" or "What I've Learned From All This" for my kids and grandchildren. There's so much to study and learn that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever reach the point where I can elucidate my views appropriately. Thank God there are many brilliant people who have gone through this process before me, after spending years seeking. The information is all there, if one only keeps an open mind to all possibilities.

2009-07-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving tomorrow to attend the Pacific Northwest Writers Association's annual conference in Seattle. I've persuaded Jim to stay home with his mother. It would be a very boring three days for him. I tried to find a plane ticket that fits my budget, to no avail, so I guess I'll be driving. With a good audio book and cruise control, I can make it easily in one day. I also find the lodging costs at the Hilton a bit beyond my means, even with the discount they offer for writers, so I'll stay nearby in an affordable unit. I'll post an update when I find out about how the competition goes.

For some strange reason, I'm not very ginned up about this.

2009-06-27T09:33:00.001-07:00

Another stupendous piece of news. I've received notice that "Dancing on His Grave" is a finalist in the Pacific Northwest Writer's Association (PNWA) annual writing competition. This is a prestigious organization, based in the Seattle area, that has been around since 1955. They've aided in the discovery of a number of best-selling authors. I couldn't have been more stunned. The person who called told me that theirs is now an international competition, with entries coming in from, for example, China, Dubai, Spain, the UK, Australia, Canada (to name a few) and all over the U.S. The memoir category had hundreds of entries, and only eight were chosen. Even more interesting, the choices for finalist were made from a synopsis of the story and the first twenty or so pages of the book. Some of the more horrifying events in my story and my sisters' stories were not part of the review.

Even if being selected as a finalist is as far as this goes, it will still engender notice from agents, editors and publishers, who will make the final selections of winners. Even after all the work I've done over the past seven years, I would still go to a mainstream publisher if they offered an advance that would pay back my sizable investment in this project. I am poised to do a complete revision, whether or not the book--or books--are picked up by a publisher. I'd like to think that I've become a better writer since "Dancing" was self-published.

I'm keeping very busy shipping copies of "Chasing Ghosts," and unpacking boxes.

2009-06-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

We are back in the Big Sky! We emptied/consolidated three houses in two months, and arrived back in White Sulphur Springs with a caravan: Jim driving the biggest U-haul truck pulling the Camry on a dolly, and me driving our Tundra pulling a trailer, all chock full. Jim's mother rode with me, and we drivers kept in touch with cell-phones. It was almost luxury compared with some moves I've made. Now I'm trying to decide what to do with four or five of EVERYTHING. We had a big rummage sale before leaving Sequim, but it hardly made a dent. We'll need another rummage sale and lots of trips to Good Will before winter. I want my garage back (which is now full to the rafters.) At least I'm losing weight (that's good news.) Betty (my mother-in-law, age 90) has settled into her rooms on the first floor of our house, and Jim and I are making our basement apartment cozy and functional. We all share the upstairs kitchen, dining and living rooms.

Now I'm looking forward to spreading the word that "Chasing Ghosts" is available. I received my first shipment of books, and have mailed a few. I've received lots of inquiries about it. Thanks to all for your patience.

A few weeks ago I received pleasant news. "Walking Wounded" received the first runner-up award in the Trafford Publishing Golden Pen competition. Hundreds of books were entered. It is so reassuring to keep getting affirmation of the value of my work. So far "Chasing Ghosts" has received nothing but good reviews.

We will have the website updated soon. All the best to all my friends.

2009-03-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

I forgot to say that my new address for ordering books from me after June 1 will be Box 749, White Sulphur Springs, Mt. 59645 My e-mail will remain the same.

The move is progressing.

I haven't mailed or e-mailed notifications about the availability of "Chasing Ghosts." Trafford STILL has not sent my supply of books. I'm glad to be busy with other things. My patience is wearing thin. I also intend to place ads in many local Montana newspapers. The link to the Trafford website is www.Trafford.com/08-1379.

Thanks for hanging with me.

2009-03-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Finally, good news! Chasing Ghosts can be ordered through the Trafford.com website, and will be available from Barnesandnoble.com and Amazon.com within a few weeks. Anyone who would like a signed copy can order it from me at 150 Elizabeth Lane, Sequim, WA 98382, postage paid. I will have a supply of copies within a week or so. I'm busy creating an e-mail list to get out, along with postcards, in a few days.

We've made the decision to move back to Montana. Jim's mom will go with us. Because of the economy, we've decided to combine households to save money. We have a lot of work facing us in the next three months, including some retrofit of the White Sulphur Springs house for handicap access. We hope to be settled there by the end of June.

2009-03-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

The proof was received, reviewed, and the final agreement and authorization mailed. Perhaps I'll have books and post cards in my hands in a couple of weeks. Just about the time I want to get out in the yard and dig in my herb beds, not sit in front of the computer sending post cards and e-mails. I think I'll tell Trafford that they should give me a couple of dozen more free books, as payment for my patience. (By the way, this book will be priced $3 less than the others--it's slightly slimmer.) Now I'm seriously considering a major revision of Dancing on His Grave. Russ and I have learned a lot in the process of producing three books--about layout, font size, etc. This might be vanity on my part, but I think the third book exudes a higher quality than the first one.

2009-02-25T11:08:00.000-08:00

FINALLY, I received a proof--by e-mail! I was upset for a moment; I like to feel a book in my hands. Then I read the fine print of the cover letter, which said that as soon as I reviewed the document and accepted it, a hard copy would be sent. So, the only irritant is an extra step in the production process that delays the final printing for another two to three weeks. Sigh... So many things to do--updating the website, sending out post cards announcing the book, entering the book in various competitions and reviews, etc., and all I can do is hurry up and wait. I have authorized the production of a hard copy proof, so perhaps I will have it soon. I apologize again to all the people who have inquired about "Chasing Ghosts." I think (I hope) you will find the wait worthwhile.

Work progresses on the essays.

2009-01-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

I've an exciting new idea for another book. It would be something like "The Murders of McCone County." In my lifetime there have been at least five murders or suspicious "suicides" in this remote, thinly populated Montana county, my childhood home, (and adjoining Garfield County.) In addition, there have been scandals and intrigue: A rancher with Las Vegas ties slaughtering several extremely valuable race horses and concealing the carcasses in a lake; a woman involved in a highway accident vanishing from the scene under the very eyes of the responding law enforcement officers; the Garfield County Freemen; many others that escape me at the moment. Doing the research alone for such a book might take the rest of my life! But what fun, reading trial transcripts, police records, archived newspapers, etc. My mother's diaries would be VERY helpful--she chronicled many of these events when they happened. I've always loved True Crime stories, especially when the perp is caught. Any idea where that came from?

Ideas like this stimulate me to finish my group of essays, so I can start something else.

2009-01-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

I have been notified by Trafford that a proof copy of "Chasing Ghosts" won't be available until February 19th. How disappointing! After that, it could be six more weeks after I approve the proof, before they release the book on-line and in stores. They are conducting a merger with two other companies and remodelling their entire facility. When I submitted the first book to them, Dancing on His Grave, I had a proof in hand in less than two weeks. I'm just not accustomed to waiting like this. On the other hand, I should be thankful I'm not dealing with a mainstream publisher. THAT process takes a couple of years after a manuscript is accepted.

To all who have been e-mailing and inquiring about the availability of "Chasing," I will be sending out e-mails and postcards and posting an announcement on this blog just as soon as I am able to order books. Now it appears that might be sometime in March.

We are taking a quick trip to Montana to help Barry (youngest son) install a wood-burning stove and a basement bathroom in his new house. I'm also committed to teaching him how to keep books for his new business on Quicken, including internet downloading from his bank, the IRS, Turbo-tax, etc. It's a lot to learn; I hope he's patient. This will help fill the time while waiting for "Chasing."

2009-01-23T21:17:00.000-08:00

Send me comments. I get very lonely out here.

2009-01-22T16:07:00.001-08:00

I've decided that I will get involved in the local peer groups for victims of domestic violence. I also need to check in at all the area bookstores. These projects are planned for when I finish with the marketing for "Chasing Ghosts." I'll start with "Healthy Families of Clallam County." They're a good bunch. I'm keeping busy entering all kinds of writing competitions all over the country. It's fun, and keeps me alert to excellence.

Still no sign of my proof copy of "Chasing Ghosts." Tomorrow I'll call again. They promised a book by last Friday.

2009-01-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

I'm getting a little upset with Trafford. I sent all required items to them and was cleared for printing on November 25th. I was informed I would receive a proof of my new book on or before December 30th. Nothing arrived. I called them on January 5, and a recorded voice told me that the entire staff was taking their "holiday" to make way for extensive remodelling that might take several weeks! Now I don't know when I'll be able to launch my advertising; probably spring. What a disappointment! It's a good thing that the weather is wet and gloomy. It's conducive to staying in the house and making progress on my essays. I want to have the "Chasing Ghosts" project put to bed before the weather gets too nice to stay indoors.

On the bright side, I'm enjoying the research for my essays. Very uplifting, although it looks like our nation is in for a VERY bumpy ride leading up to 2012.

2008-12-19T12:59:00.000-08:00

My essay on religion and reincarnation is shaping up beautifully. I think this project will fill a whole volume, by the time I get through all my controversial beliefs. I'm getting excited about it--rediscovering information I found in the 1960s. After a session on the word processor, I go to bed with such a good feeling.

2008-12-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

I've recently exchanged several e-mails with my youngest sister, Norma. The depth of her abstract thought, her intelligence and ability to express her beliefs and describe her questions about the meaning of life are amazing. I believe she's still working through the grief of losing her husband to cancer a year ago. It was very sudden; he died about a month after it was first diagnosed. It seems that it is times like these when our minds are the sharpest, our thoughts the most lucid. I'm looking forward to sharing and comparing thoughts with her during my next project, the essays for my kids/grandkids. Her amazingly high IQ is manifesting itself.

I wish the malice and hatred my older sisters harbor against me could evolve into Norma's kind of reasoning and deep thought about human relationships. It won't happen--they were not allowed abstract thought as children. Only that life is real, life is earnest, and we're lucky to survive, not to wonder why. But why would they want to invent evil stories about me that are untrue, and then keep repeating them until they forget the truth and believe the evil. It seems they have a need to fan the flames of antipathy by fabricating things that refute the apparent reasons (invented by him eons ago) for my being my father's favorite child. They still resent it, even though I did nothing to be cast in that position. It's so sad; they're in their seventies. Why allow him to win, twenty-five years after he became nothing but mouldering bones? It all seems to stem from the way I presented our story in my first two books. Soon the new book will be out, and they'll be angry again at the way I used the information they uncovered during their years of geneological research. I've given them full recognition for their work, but I'm sure that won't be enough.

I'm introspective today--Frances sent her usual Christmas letter. Apparently I'm supposed to behave as if everything is normal.

2008-12-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

We had another wonderful Thanksgiving in Montana with the kids/grandkids, all except Tammy and her family (she has FOUR grandchildren now) and Marty's three older children. (This year it was sixteen people.) It's such a joy to see the genuine affection these people have for each other. Even the cousins, who only see each other once a year or so, get along so well. The grandkids in attendance ranged in age from Chuck's oldest boy Reid, age sixteen, to Barry's youngest daughter, age two. The weather was much too warm for successful hunting, but the men bagged one deer and a squadron of ducks, and had the usual bonding. The Thanksgiving turkey was placed in jeopardy by Barry's little girl, who loves to play with electronic buttons. She shut the oven off, and I didn't discover it for about two hours. The turkey was still cold just after noon. It was a good thing the men were bent on hunting, and didn't need dinner until about seven o'clock. She's so adorable, no-one was upset with her, and we had lots of other food.

On Friday night we had our fishfry/crab feed. Jim and I brought a cooler full of Dungeness crab we had caught over the summer, and Chuck brought halibut, ling cod, sea bass and salmon from his and Reid's fishing trip to Alaska. After the meal, the kids, women and grandparents (Jim and I) went to bed and the four brothers sat around the table drinking beer, bonding and reminiscing till the wee hours. Everyone left on Saturday, (some of us with coolers full of left-overs.) Some of the kids expressed concern that the bad economy might keep us from gathering next year. On the bright side, it appears that gas will be cheap for those traveling by car. We'll keep our hopes up.

I've been notified by my publisher not to expect a proof copy of "Chasing Ghosts" until December 30. I hope they get it done sooner. It's in their hands now.

2008-11-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

I love the picture we chose for the cover of "Chasing." The gypsy wagon is similar to the one that was my grandmother's home for nine years while she followed her husband all over the midwest trading horses. She did all the cooking and laundry over a campfire. It was also her job to hitch a team of horses to the wagon and drive it from place to place. Her husband, Gus, had his own team, hitched to a fancy "top buggy," that he used to promote horse trades, much as today's used car salesman drives a car from his inventory (with dealer license plates.)

This has been a fascinating journey, and I have learned so much about a segment of American culture seldom mentioned in history books.

2008-11-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

I'm learning the intricacies of changing a PDF file to JPEG and then uploading to my blog. How I wish I could download Russ's brain! My biggest problem is not using these techniques often enough. I forget and have to re-learn it all from year to year.

2008-11-07T16:10:00.000-08:00

Once a month really isn't often enough to post, is it? Exciting good news. "Chasing Ghosts" is in the final stages of layout and setup. I should have a proof copy in my hands within a few weeks. I may be able to send out announcements of publication in time for the Christmas season. The product is, I believe, very satisfactory. My artist friend who produces the book for me actually said he likes it the best of the three. I haven't had time to ask him to define the qualities that make it a good book, but I will. This is the most nerve-wracking part--trying to find all the typos and other errors.

2008-09-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

I heard an apt description concerning the evolution and development of a sociopath: "Genetics provide the weapon, environment loads the bullets, and life experiences pull the trigger." The genetics part of that metaphor would reinforce details of the Steven Stanko case, a murderer who is incarcerated on death row in North (or South) Carolina. He, being fairly wealthy, paid for tests on his brain, thinking to avoid death by proving he's either insane or brain damaged. The tests, including an MRI and others, concluded that the part of his brain that produces emotions like empathy, sympathy, conscience, and guilt, is not working. The pictures show a big blank spot in that area of his brain. To me, that makes him similar to a science fiction movie where a computer controlled device or machine develops a glitch and takes off on its own, destroying anything that gets in its way. It doesn't make him mentally ill by our definition, because he is an intelligent and highly functioning human being. But he is certainly mentally deficient to the extent that he cannot be allowed access to the rest of society. As I said, that would be like turning loose an out of control nuclear weapon. My opinion is that ALL of these people should be permanently incarcerated, because they cannot be rehabilitated. Technology has not yet invented brain transplants.

It also brings to mind the response of Gary Ridgeway (the Green River Killer) when Sheriff Dave Reichert asked him if he thought there was something missing in him. His response: "Well, maybe that 'caring' thing." Society shouldn't have to deal with such monsters.

2008-09-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

Utterly gorgeous weather and I'm stuck inside revising. The strangest part is that I can hardly tear myself away. I'm working, and suddenly three or four hours are just gone. I hope I can get Chasing Ghosts in print in time for Christmas.

I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter and her family when I travel to Boulder at the end of the month for the Western Literature Association conference.

I'm so stressed over the election that I'm listening to Public Radio instead of television--purely for enjoyment.

2008-08-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

Multi-tasking is becoming a required skill. People are chewing on my heels for "Chasing Ghosts," so I'm full steam ahead on my revisions, while trying to keep up with the political conventions, prepare for Boulder, Billings and Missoula book festivals/conferences, and helping my husband finish out the crab season with enough critters for our crab feed at Thanksgiving. My health club is closed for two weeks for maintenance, so I don't feel that pulling on me (I have my baby trampoline in front of the TV as a substitute.) My herb beds are overgrown, but my tomatoes and apples will demand attention soon. Who ever said retirement means resting?

I've been having strange dreams, of being on a train that runs out of track, and a big old house completely filled with junk and antiques, that requires continuous remodelling. I never make any headway on cleaning it out or remodelling; I just keep discovering new junk. Any analysis, anyone?

2008-08-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've just finished a book that had a deep impact on me. It's titled "Sins of the Father." I had seen the movie recently--starring Shelly Long-- and when a friend offered me the book (at the Meagher County Book Festival in White Sulphur Springs, MT) I gladly accepted it. I spent the next two days unable to lay it down. The story is so similar to my family story--the physical and sexual abuse, the absent deluded mother, the various ways the children dealt with the constant terror. The mother eventually left him, went to school and became a lawyer. The big difference was that the father raped and killed an eight year old neighbor girl with his daughter--Eileen Franklin--as a witness, and then terrorized her into keeping the secret for twenty years. When she finally came forward and told the police, the subsequent legal action splintered her family. At least one of the five children actually testified on behalf of the murderer. He was convicted, but after six years in prison, he was released on a technicality. I've Googled to find out what happened after he was released, but so far have found nothing about her (she had moved to Switzerland.) The study of the reactions of the family members is so similar to my family--some still clinging to denial, some bitter to the point of viciousness, some self-medicating, some trying to heal.

Another book that I found at Amazon and added to my library is called "Zero at the Bone." It's the story of Ronald Gene Simmons, a murderer who was executed in Florida some years ago. His family's story is almost identical to ours, with the differences being that 1) the family included two boys, 2) he actually impregnated his oldest daughter, who bore a child, and 3) he ended up killing his entire family, including sons-in-law, daughters-in law, and grandchildren, a total of fourteen people. The entire family had gathered for Christmas, and not one survived. It was so eerily similar to our story that it gave me nightmares. The second daughter was very like my sister Frances, who would get in his face, sass and dare him to do anything about it. The family was in the process of convincing the mother to leave him. The denial that prevented that family from seeing how dangerous their dad was is so similar to the tap dance that my sister Kathleen played with our father the year after she left home--staying close, coming to the ranch occasionally, and then bringing her prospective husband out to meet him eight months after she ran away. Even now, I don't think she realizes how close she came to getting all of us killed that day. (Read Chapter 21 of "Dancing on his Grave.") As I gradually face the depth of the denial practiced by her and my whole family, I'm beginning to wonder what other offenses he might have committed that are hidden in the minds of some of my siblings (or even mine?)

Great progress to report on "Chasing Ghosts." I had an intense session with my coach, and am launching a major edit of the manuscript. I'll have to touch base with my graphic artist-layout expert to see if he's prepared for another book. I have about six weeks before I'm due in Boulder, Colorado to sit on a panel for the Western Literature Association. Then Missoula and Billings (MT) Bookfests, and I can get ready for another big family Thanksgiving.

2008-07-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

This time I have been writing. I've completed a draft of the complete manuscript, "Chasing Ghosts," and have sent it off to my coach (Judy) for review. I'm not happy with the last section, the history of my mother's family, but I have lots of time to re-write it, while Judy is reading the first 200 pages. Those sections received a major re-write, and now I need new eyes looking at the story.

It's time to get ready for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association conference. It begins a busy summer and fall of meetings and conferences.

2008-05-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

I've been SO derelict with my postings. Six weeks have gone by, and I don't have the excuse that I've been writing.

The Butte event was a resounding success. I was greeted by the most gracious staff of the Safe Space organization--especially Tonya Garrity--interviewed by the local radio station and the newspaper, treated to an abundant pot-luck dinner, and my presentation was received enthusiastically by nearly seventy people. I managed to do my own reading without a melt-down, got through the lengthy discussion, and received my first standing ovation. Altogether a rewarding experience. Many people purchased copies of my books. I've decided that I may be able to continue my presentations without emotional exhaustion after all. I've committed to five more events this year and one so far in 2009.

After Butte, we went to White Sulphur Springs to prepare our house and sprinklers for the summer and to play with grandkids. Then I drove to Denver to see my daughter and her family. When we returned to Sequim, yard work was waiting. My herb beds are beautiful. I had tea last night, made from chocolate flavored mint leaves. Delicious! I've also planted orange flavored mint. We took one weekend to go RVing at our favorite campground on the Strait of Juan de Fuca. It was gorgeous! Then the cold wet weather set in again. What with the price of gas, we may have very few outings with our camper.

I'm preparing for a three week visit from a thirteen-year-old grand-daughter from Wichita, starting May 31st. We really enjoy her, when we get past the pubescent personality lapses. We're hoping for good weather for activities, although her favorite pastime is a blanket and a good book.

Jim has accepted the chairmanship of the local chapter of the Audubon Society, so there will be lots of meetings for him the next year. With all that "quiet time," I have no doubt I'll get "Chasing Ghosts" finished. I've been forcing myself not to pick up the manuscript yet for revisions. I need to give it my full attention when I do start again.

In White Sulphur, I dug out many of the books I read when I was in my twenties, as my philosophies on life, religion and other transcendant impressions were just beginning. I'm trying to refresh my alternative planes of thought for the benefit of the project I'm undertaking--the essay for my grand-children. Some of the material is extremely challenging, but not so difficult as Shakespeare, my mother's favorite source. She, a self-declared agnostic, would have scoffed at my choices for enlightenment. But then, she was the mistress of denial.

I've decided that television is my worst enemy, and I'm glad to see the network season end. It corrupts my conscious thought, invades my dreams and stimulates my appetite. Jim is in such control over this mindless, no-brain style of entertainment. He watches only a select few shows. I'm determined to follow his example and take charge! I'll only indulge in news of the election this summer, and then only sparingly.

I must stop, and go visit my mother-in-law. This is the day I shampoo and style her hair. I wear many hats!

2008-04-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

The third book is in rough draft! I've assembled it into a three-ring binder and sent it to a few readers (friends.) I need a hiatus, so I can, in a few weeks or months, approach it with refreshed eyes. I still need to refine the introduction (or it may become the Author's Notes) and the ending. Endings are the hardest. I'm receiving almost daily requests for the new book. I hope I can have it in print this year.

The saddest item I have to report is that my two oldest sisters, two years after the appearance of "Dancing" and a year after "Walking," have decided they don't like my approach, and that they have been given short shrift in my books (not enough acclaim or attention.) After a lifetime of dealing with their rage and denial, I should have expected it. The rancor was sufficient and causing me such angst that I had to block them from my e-mail. It's tragic. I've received an unexpected benefit from the six-year exercise, in the healing and recovery I've experienced. Now I'll never be able to share that with them, or give them pointers on reaching a similar degree of resolution for themselves. But I must not allow myself to be deterred. A good friend, Mary Clearman Blew, gave me a gem of wisdom: "The worst thing you could do is let them silence you." So I won't, but I have to confess that encountering such anger and even hatred creates a burden I have to lug along in my efforts to forge ahead. Such a waste of energy that could be better used writing the stories.

While I'm taking a respite from "Chasing Ghosts" I'm starting the essay that I've been planning for several years--a love letter to my kids and grand-kids, sharing my experiences and conclusions on many diverse topics, and apologizing to them for having to share and suffer from my clumsy, even toxic, journey through life.

2008-03-02T10:47:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a day of discovery and revelation. I have read dozens and dozens of pages of information from the genealogical research done by my sisters over eighteen years, and sometimes just one or two words give me clues to whole stories. Yesterday it was four items that helped me fill in some of Lillie's story.

1) Fact: She left Gus and lived with her relatives in Nebraska for several months in 1922-'23, and when she went back to Montana, she brought a kerosene stove filled with walnuts. Charley (now out of prison) took her to Kansas to gather the nuts.

2) Fact: In January, 1924, she and Gus mortgaged the homestead for $1400.

3) Fact: In 1930, someone filed a "materials lien" against either Lillie or Gus or both. Materials liens are mechanisms used by contractors or materials providers to cloud the title of real estate to be sure they get paid, and are nearly always for building construction.

4) Fact: In 1931, after Lillie's death, Gus had a mysterious fire that destroyed his house, indicating that it was a frame house, not the sod house they had originally built when they first arrived in Montana.

Conclusion: While she was in Nebraska, Lillie decided to go back to Gus, and that she was going to have a new house. The kerosene stove was for her new house. The sod house was probably collapsing, after ten years. The new house was undoubtedly built, but when Lillie left Gus again in 1928, this time for good, and split the land, he got to keep the house. She and my dad (age twenty-four) moved an abandoned shack onto her half of the land, and lived there for two years, until her mysterious death in November, 1930. Gus started missing payments on the $1400 loan shortly after her death. He collected the insurance on the house and left the area (back to horse trading) before the Federal Land Bank could foreclose and freeze the insurance payment.

I couldn't understand the issue of the walnuts. The nuts we are familiar with are English walnuts and are grown mostly in California. With the help of Google, I learned that BLACK walnuts are indigenous to eastern Kansas. Lillie loved them--so much that she traveled all that way to Kansas from Lincoln, Nebraska, in a horse and wagon (or maybe a Model T Ford) to gather bushels of them, and shipped them back to Montana inside the new stove.

Some of Gus's behavior sounds so contemporary. Hard to believe it was nearly eighty years ago. People are still pulling these stunts, only in millions instead of hundreds of dollars.

This is like being a police detective. Tons of fun!

2008-02-26T10:40:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, Gus and Lillie (my paternal grandparents) had a squabble about quitting the horse-trading business and moving to Montana to homestead. Lillie, determined to get her boys (my dad and his brother--ages eight and five) away from the influence of the Mecums, won the argument by threatening to take the boys and go whether or not Gus went with them. She also reminded Gus that her family wasn't the only criminal element influencing the boys. Gus's brother Ed, a drunken bully, had shot to death a colored man seven years before, for no other reason than that he was black, married to a light skinned woman who looked white. Gus had actually named his son (my dad) for this murderer. After the killing, "Uncle Ed" disappeared and was never heard from again, despite all the work done by my older sisters in their genealogy search.

Today, Gus and Lillie will arrive in Montana (at one point, near Wolf Point, fording the Missouri River, which at the time was a nearly free-flowing stream, with all their animals and wagons) to begin setting up their homestead in McCone County.

How did we (my sisters and I) ever turn out "normal?" Amazing!

2008-02-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

I've committed to speak at a "Take Back the Night" event for the local domestic violence group in Butte (MT) on April 25th. So, I'm accelerating work on "Chasing Ghosts." I have one major section to get into draft form before I start editing (back at the beginning.) This section is Part IV, with the major characters being my grandmother Lillie, her husband Gus, and my dad, Ed. It's going well so far.

Beautiful day today; feels much like spring.

2008-02-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

After five years in Canadian prisons adorned with a diabolical twenty-eight pound shackle called the Oregon Boot on one leg, Bert and Charley are sent back to the US to serve time for the breakout (3 years for Charley, 5 for Bert.) Bert is rearrested for more crime, finally disappears. Charley goes straight, gets married. Ten years later, after working as a baker, he lands a job with a Miller Rubber company in Chicago selling condoms door to door, and at the back door of pharmacies.

At the time, advertising and selling condoms (indeed all birth control) was illegal, but local law enforcement looked the other way unless the product was sent through the U.S. mail, making it a federal offense. Charley made a veritable fortune throughout the Great Depression, as much as $1500 per month. He was VERY careful, and was never in trouble with the law over his livlihood. His job ended with World War II, when--since more than 70% of the soldiers in World War I had contracted STDs--the government started issuing condoms in the soldiers' kit bags and the laws were changed.

Charley's story is not yet finished; not by a long shot. We still have Lola, his niece, about to re-enter his life.

We had a short (five-day) vacation in Nevada. I'm so ready for spring.

2008-02-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Charley and Bert escaped into Canada and began a chain of burglaries in Winnipeg, Manitoba. They were confronted after only four or five days of larceny, and fostered a running gun battle with Canadian constables through the streets of Winnipeg. "Gun battle" is a misnomer, since the Mecums had the only guns, two each. The constables, by law, were armed only with truncheons--"billy clubs"--and rocks they picked up along the way. They pursued the Mecums for at least a mile, all the while being fired upon an estimated 35 times. Civilians joined in the chase and the Mecums were swarmed and subdued (again with the billy clubs, well laid on.) Later, after his bruises and broken bones healed, Bert claimed they had deliberately missed with their shots, since "they really didn't want to hurt anybody."

After the incident, public outcry forced the police commissioner to arm the constables, and from that time on--August, 1911--the Winnipeg police constables have carried sidearms (thanks to my two great uncles!) What a story! It gets better every day.

2008-01-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

Another month gone by? Can't be. I've been buried in the years between 1900 and 1911, getting acquainted with ancestors. Yesterday I worked eight hours, watching a doctor perform abdominal surgery and save the life of a prison guard who had been shot by my great-uncle during a prison break. It was so interesting to learn what options were available for anesthesia, antiseptic, etc., in 1911. The posse, the chase scene, the escape all kept me busy all day. Model T cars got stuck in deep mud, pursuers took to the trail on horseback, on foot and bicycle, blood hounds wouldn't hunt--all day exciting people and events made a trail through my writing space. I was fairly exhausted by evening. The manuscript grows by leaps and bounds. Back to work.

2007-12-30T18:50:00.000-08:00

I've met and begun to tell the story of another interesting ancestor, a great-aunt named Sophie Mecum. (I don't know how many of these characters will make the final cut in the new book, but it's a blast letting them tell their stories and try to outdo the outrageous behavior of their siblings.) In 1902 Sophie was married at age nineteen to a rather boring labor-oriented individual who worked as a "teamster." This was one step up in the evolution from "drayman," the occupation of her maternal grandfather, Isaac Utter. Within a year of her marriage, Sophie met a dashing Irishman who made his living as a riverboat gambler on the Mississippi River around Davenport Iowa. Apparently without hesitation, Sophie abandoned her husband and eloped with the gambler. Her husband filed for a divorce, in an era where fewer than fifty out of 9,000 marriages ended in divorce, and were considered scandalous. In an apparent attempt to preserve her "good name" a kindly judge granted the divorce to Sophie rather than her husband, and granted the return of her maiden name. She married her Irishman five weeks later.

Sophie's story went from bad to worse from that point, and eventually it was rumored that she had met her demise in a "hotel fire" that was speculated to actually be a brothel.

She is one of nine siblings in a notorious family that continues to amaze me with their antics. Another interesting offshoot of this story, is that within a year of Sophie's divorce, her mother Etta Belle, my great-grandmother, filed for a divorce after a twenty-five year marriage, apparently encouraged by the ease with which Sophie won her freedom. Etta Belle is another whole story by herself. She will hold a place front and center in the book.

This exercise is so much fun; like being 007. I'm so happy to be back at it full time.

2007-12-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

I can't believe six weeks have gone by since my last post. Here are my excuses: Computer crash; family reunion over Thanksgiving week in White Sulphur Springs, ten days in Wichita visiting grandkids while mom and dad went to Cancun; working on the annual Christmas letter; travel, travel, travel---all these are the story I'm sticking to.

My children's lives are a continuous soap opera. When one family is flourishing, another is in the toilet. I spend so much time counselling it's frightening--in wondering if I've made myself too accessible. I guess I should feel flattered that both my children and their spouses trust me to give an unjudgmental opinion and unbiased advice. I hope things have settled down in their lives before I'm either not mentally capable or simply not around to help.

We had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving. The families came from Wichita, Denver, Fort Lewis (WA) and Bozeman. The week started on Tuesday and ended Sunday (when the last family left.) Seventeen of my offspring, their spouses and children showed up for eating, bonding, snowmobiling and hunting. It was ten below zero most of the week with plenty of sno, and they loved it. It's been five years since we all got together. We definitely won't wait that long again. Life is too short.

I'm glad to be settled back into our little house in Sequim--just a few hours after the big storms hit. We got very little rain, no wind, and didn't even lose power, when the rest of western Washington was being flooded and blown to pieces. Blessings on the Olympic mountain rain shadow. We have tickets to the Irish Tenors Christmas concert next Saturday. They are so wonderful; the music stays with you all year. Don't miss them if you ever have a chance. They are world-class entertainers, and to have them (two years in a row) in our little community of Port Angeles is mind-blowing, and the result of a close friendship between Anthony Kearns (one of the tenors) and a Port Angeles family.

Now that my computer crisis and other activities are settled, I'm re-launching "Chasing Ghosts." If volume is an indicator, it comprises about 100 pages so far.

I miss Judy; she's a guest professor in Tucson this semester. I hope she comes back, although I'll understand if the grass is greener elsewhere.

I'm going to try the gym again today, after an attack of lower back pain. Fingers crossed!

2007-10-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I finished the last book event for the year, the High Plains Bookfest in Billings. Traveling there was a bit expensive for such a low-key event. It's fairly new, so it has lots of time for improvement.

Dillon's "Take Back the Night" was wonderful. Approximately 100 people attended a very emotion-charged event. The cutout silhouettes representing all the women killed through domestic violence since 1990 was chilling. I spoke for about 30 minutes, followed by a lively discussion with the audience. I intend to plan more of these events next year. I crossed a threshold sometime in August or September. I can now read from my books without a melt-down (panic attack, PTSD, or whatever it is.) Early on (two years ago or so) I wouldn't have believed that I could overcome my symptoms to that degree--it almost seems miraculous. Being able to maintain my composure makes my presentations so much more effective. I thank the wonderful people at the Women's Resource Center in Dillon for a memorable event.

Now I can swing into action on "Chasing Ghosts." I hope I will be able to post more regularly from now on. I do have two more trips this fall--to Wichita to stay with grandkids while the parents take an annual respite, and to White Sulphur for a reunion of all my kids/grandkids at Thanksgiving. But I look forward to many winter days at my computer.

Off to the gym.

2007-09-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

After all the preparation and expense, the trip to Bellevue fell through. My sweet little mother-in-law got terribly sick the day we were leaving, so I stayed home and played nurse for about a week (there was a LOT of laundry, etc.) She's much better now, and we have upgraded the handicap features in her house to avoid future problems. We still need a ramp.

So, I'm preparing for "Take Back the Night" in Dillon, MT, in a couple weeks, along with winterizing our house in White Sulphur Springs. It's a bit scary leaving Betty for a week, but we do have a good support system in her neighborhood. I have two more trips this year, but Jim will stay home with his mother during those.

I opened the file on "Chasing Ghosts" yesterday and worked on it awhile. It is such fun! Right now I'm researching travel conditions for 1880 railroad passengers, and reading "The Long Winter" by Laura Ingalls Wilder again. My great grandmother rode the train from Peru, Illinois to Kearny, Nebraska (pregnant and aged sixteen), and spent that awful winter in Kearny with her husband and new baby. It's absolutely fascinating to read the history and imagine what it was like for her. Kearny was still the wild west. There were forty foot drifts, back to back blizzards for seven months, and the trains stopped running before January first. People were starving, freezing and fighting each other. Then when spring broke, the huge amount of snow melted and washed out the tracks, so it was June 15 before the trains started bringing food again. In May the Missouri was five miles wide at St Louis. Laura Ingalls was fourteen and living 500 miles north of Kearny in the same conditions.

Back to the gym.

2007-09-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

Forgot to mention: I'm still working on my contribution to a paper being published at some point by the University of Illinois, a primer of first person accounts on domestic violence. It's been an interesting exercise. Can't yet guage its importance.

2007-09-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

One down, three more to go, and then I get to go back to "Chasing Ghosts" and my notorious ancesters. We made a quick trip to Missoula for the Festival of the Book, driving all the way back yesterday (thank heaven for an engrossing audiobook--makes the time fly by.) On Weds (Sept. 19th) I'll go to Bellevue (WA) for the Pacific Northwest Booksellers Assn. trade show. I'm a vendor this year (legacy of self-publishing.) Then (driving) to Dillon, MT, for Domestic Violence Awareness event on October 11th. The last one for the year is the High Plains Bookfest in Billings on October 25th to 27th (flying.) Sometime during this period I get to visit grandkids.

Book sales are brisk.

2007-08-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

Not a day goes by that I don't find something in the news or on television that provokes some kind of response in me, from unease to outrage. Consequently, I'm thinking about a series of essays I intend to write for my kids and grandkids, for them to find in my "papers" someday. It will be titled something like "Life's Lessons" or "My Beliefs," (sounds a bit lofty doesn't it?) I choose this method of preaching to them, without all the connotations of a "buttinski" mother or mother in law. Also, the written word will allow me to get my points across without the interference of their own opinions. I think they'll find my conclusions on myriad subjects comforting, although they may not agree with me.

Some of the subjects I will choose are:

Religion: This covers such a huge array of subjects, it will be the longest essay. Included would be: The philosophical differences and similarities among religions, life after death and reincarnation, the overall meaning of life, evolution vs intelligent design and the lack of conflict between them, the pros and cons of the literal translation of the Bible, and many other subjects, all based on the precept that "Man divides, God unites.")This essay might contain my own epitaph (I'm a planner by nature.)

Politics: A discussion based on the premise that the over-riding goal of most of those involved in politics is power, either from the beginning or occurring sometime during the political career, and the most perfect form of government is benevolent dictatorship--think Solomon. Perhaps to include the effect on modern politics of 24/7 talking heads (Aldous Huxley: any comment?)

Psychology: Also an extremely broad subject that will illustrate a fledgling science with secrets still waiting to be uncovered, through all the physiological--along with physical and environmental factors--that can affect a healthy mind.

Child Rearing Obviously, with my background, this will discuss what NOT to do in raising kids, and that from the earliest moment, they are PEOPLE in progress. Again, in family situations the "benevolent dictator" is applicable.

Education: Will include a discussion of the importance (or lack of) of the current "on-campus" education system in the U.S., given the alternative resources available to today's parents and youth. Other opinions: the pros and cons of adhering to the archaic school schedule developed in colonial days, when children were needed for agricultural work in the summer, prompting the suspension of school instruction for three months. What we are left with is hundreds of billions of dollars worth of educational facilities sitting idled and empty for months, while still needing maintenance and service, and students running the streets. Perhaps we should be looking at what works in other countries, like a staggered system of "time off" for teachers and students, and electing a government that places education in a priority at least as high as tanks and M16s. Based on my own school experience, I would also discuss the problems of allowing our schools to become social clubs, with the "in" group and the "rejects," the athletes and air-heads, the bullies and the bullied, and how it is dealt with in other countries, e.g. school uniforms and a no-bulls**t approach to learning or leaving.

Doctors and Medicine: This subject will relate some of my horror stories of factors encountered when trying to deal with treatment of a sick or injured child or loved one, and the absolute imperative that a mother be a vigilant guardian, no matter how many professionals are involved.

Self-healing/Attitude (including nutrition.) Discussion of my conviction that physical healing must start at home, with excellent life-style choices and avoiding poisonous relationships and stresses. Will include a discussion on the almost criminal attitude within the medical community to ignore the power of the human brain--think power plant; computer extraordinaire--and each individual's ability to develop, utilize and control its power.

The negative effects of pure capitalism (mass advertising and marketing.) These would include the burgeoning obesity in Americans, widespread selfishness and self-indulgence, a sense of entitlement among youth, the current trend toward misguided priorities in the selection of careers, other "ripped from the headlines" subjects. Also discussing the consumerism that is causing the destruction of our planet. My mother always said we should "be at least as smart as barnyard pigs and not s**t in our own nests," but that is just what we're doing.

See? Opinions! Do I sound like the laid back grandma of thirteen, great-grandma of two? I've told everyone who asked me what I would write after the trilogy is completed, that one thing I do not lack is opinions. But rather than lay them verbally on my family, I'll simply share with them in writing, and they can use or reject the ideas as they wish.

I certainly hope I don't run out of time or energy. I'm getting a good outline of my essays with this blog. I'm keeping print-outs. Tomorrow, then.

2007-08-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so embarrassed to discover I've let an entire month slip away since my last post. However, it's been an eventful month. We brought grandson Reid (residence-Wichita, KS) home with us. His parents had been visiting in Montana, and brought him to us in White Sulphur Springs. What a delightful young man: fourteen years old, and excited to spend nearly a month with two senior citizens. He spent about ten days with us in MT, helping with the last two book events, and then came back to WA with us. He is fanatically interested in marine biology (along with many other things) so it wasn't hard to entertain him. We took him crab fishing and oyster picking, and camping at a delightful RV park on the Strait of Juan de Fuca, where tide pools and marine life abound. Then we spent a day in downtown Seattle, at Pike's Place Market, the Space Needle, and especially important to him, the Seattle Aquarium. The next afternoon he boarded a plane at Seatac for the trip back to Wichita. It was amazing to see how mature and self-reliant a young teenager can be. At Pike's Place he bought a large (fresh) wild salmon to take back to his parents, then had it packaged for transport and took it home on the plane. Now we are all looking forward to his next visit (possibly next summer, when he wants to spend an entire month here.)

Regarding getting our own life back in order: We waded through a forest of overgrown herb beds and lawn, caught up and answered two months of mail (that a neighbor had collected and that filled an apple box), filled book orders, and cleaned our camper trailer for winter storage. Also on my list were haircuts (all three of us) perms and color (Jim's mom and me), mountains of laundry (including the camper linens), and--well, you get the message. I'm now preparing for the last book events of the year.

On September 12th we will head for Missoula for the Festival of the Book. Historically, this has been the time that we went back to White Sulphur to shut off the sprinklers and winterize our house. However, this year the Festival is two weeks early, and too soon to shut off the sprinklers. We will be back in Montana on October 11th at Dillon, to take part in the "Take Back the Night " event, sponsored by the Beaverhead Domestic Violence Coalition. We'll go to WSS then to take care of the house. I won't mind seeing the grandchildren (in Three Forks) once more before settling into Sequim for the winter, and getting back to "Chasing Ghosts."

On September 19th we will be in Bellevue (WA) for the Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association book fair. (For the past many years it was held in Portland.) I have reserved a table so will actually be a vendor this year, along with some of the biggest and most well known publishers. I'll report on the success (or not) of that venture later. Right now, I'm trying to re-organize my book inventory and distribution system. This book tour was three times as well-received as I expected (300% of my estimated sales were purchased), and my tracking system is in utter disarray. At Bellevue I will be dealing directly with bookstores, selling books, taking orders and paying the shipping, so I need to get my act together. Thank God for my executive assistant (named Jim.)

My inventory shows that so far Dancing on His Grave has sold over 1,300 copies, and Walking Wounded (out only three months) has sold about 300. This includes sales from Trafford's (the publisher's) on-line bookstore. I mean to get those figures firmed up before I again contact my agent with a review of the book tour. I hope to get her attention at some point.

In answer to a perhaps unspoken question: Yes, my energy is returning. As soon as I got home, I renewed my membership in the fitness center and began exercising every day. I stocked up on fresh fruit and vegetables, reassessed my vitamins and supplements and my blood pressure meds. As a result, I've already lost nearly ten pounds (from when we left in June,) my blood pressure is back to normal (as of this morning) and I'm up to three miles a day on the treadmill and cross trainer. I'm going to try for twenty pounds. I'm so glad for the icy gel-packs kept at hand in the freezer, and the memory foam topper on my bed. Perhaps I'll write an "Ode to Sore Muscles."

On an aside, one of the highlights of the summer was getting acquainted with Gwen Petersen in Big Timber. She is a delightful and talented lady, with much to offer aspiring writers, and she did a marvelous job setting up the all-day seminar on memoir writing and self-publishing at the Carnegie Library in BT. She has a new book coming out, and I recommend that anyone who likes light-hearted humor and poking fun at themselves get a copy (I don't have the title at the moment. I'm sure you can Google it.) She recently published "How to Shovel Manure and Other Life Lessons for the Country Woman" (Voyageur Press.) She's labeled the "Ann Landers of the barnyard set." Or maybe Erma Bombeck.

I have a date to give my mother-in-law a hairdo, so I'll put this on hold for the moment. I have some more in-depth issues to discuss, with National Domestic Violence Month coming up in October.

2007-07-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

We just finished the last workshop and book signings in Big Timber and Livingston. The Livingston segment was rather quiet--held in a small book store on a very hot night, competing with an outdoor art stroll. The Big Timber segment, where 18 paying participants listened to me pontificate about writing memoir and self publishing for nearly four hours, was a smashing success. Before we left, I was invited to assist at three more seminars. My energy is totally depleted right now, and my blood pressure is soaring. I'll need to think long and hard about the next phase, as I renew my visits to the gym in Sequim and lose the five pounds I put on by bad diet and no exercise.

In total, nearly 300 Montanans who attended our readings, book signings and seminars purchased more than 600 copies of "Dancing" and "Walking" in the last month. Jim is the one who got exercise, carrying cases of books into meeting places. I have many, many requests for the third book of the trilogy, "Chasing Ghosts," which probably won't be ready for at least a year. I look forward to resuming work on it.

Thanks to all who have read these postings and left comments. It helps to know there are kindred souls out there.

2007-07-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

Child Beater (as promised):

When I married my first husband (1960 in Wolf Point) his very best friend all through high school lived right next door for a time with his wife and two children, a five-year old daughter and a one year old baby boy. One day the baby was taken to the hospital with a broken leg. The wife told the story that the perp (I'll call him Lonnie) had dropped the baby on the wooden arm of a chair. At the time, a nagging doubt plagued me. I became more alert, and one day after the baby's leg had healed, I sat in their living room playing with him. Lonnie walked into the room, and the baby grabbed my leg and started crying, trying to get far away from his dad. I glanced up and saw pure hatred on Lonnie's face as he looked at the child. I told my husband, "That baby is scared to death of his dad." Ray pooh poohed the remark and I dropped the issue, but remained disturbed. Less than a year later, before the baby's second birthday, I heard the gossip that the baby had had another broken bone-his arm-and Lonnie and his wife had driven all night, 400 miles to Bozeman, before getting treatment for the baby. I'm sure they knew that taking the baby to the Wolf Point hospital could have led to arrest and jail time. Her brother, who lived in Bozeman, found out about it, and started the process of removing the baby from Lonnie and his wife. The wife left Lonnie for awhile, but soon she was back with him, and gave birth to ANOTHER baby boy. About that time, I left Wolf Point, but ran across Lonnie a couple times in connection with my work. I asked no personal questions. He always acted as if we were the best of old friends, even though Ray and I had been divorced for years.

At the book signing at the Wolf Point library last Monday, I told my husband Jim "That guy is liable to show up. He thinks we're friends-that I don't know about what he did to his son." Jim couldn't imagine anyone having the gall. Sure enough, just as I started speaking, in he walked. He sat at the very back of the room and kept his face hidden behind a white cowboy hat. After the discussion about the book, he took his place at the very back of the autograph line. When he reached me, his statement was, " I really liked your book. I know just how you girls felt." Then he started to describe to me all the "beatings" he'd had as a child, how the razor strap felt, etc.

I stopped him and said," Lonnie, the difference between you and me is: I made the CHOICE not to abuse my kids. Your choice was using your parents as an excuse to abuse your little boy." He could sense the hostility in my voice.

"Yeah, you really lucked out on that," he said. "It's really coming back to haunt me."

I was so outraged I was speechless, and I turned my back on him. Later, I thought of a hundred things I should have said to him, like. "LUCKY? What does luck have to do with it? I made the CHOICE! And you want me to feel sorry for YOU, for beating your baby?"

I also should have asked him, "When that baby, now 45 years old, beats HIS kids and goes to jail (times have changed!) do you suppose he'll sit in his cell and blame YOU? It's all a matter of CHOICES!!

That's enough for now. I've met some VERY interesting people. We are off to Malta, and on the way we're stoppind for a couple of days at Fort Peck for fishing and dinosaurs. We'll meet my 14 year old grandson in Malta, and take him back to Washington with us. I'll report on the turnout and discussions next time (a total of 75 people and 125 books in Wolf Point.-0

2007-07-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

From Glasgow: The weather has been lovely for the past three days. The Wolf Point turnout was the biggest to date, with 48 people at the discussion and signing, and ten at the workshops. Meeting so many old friends (who mysteriously looked like their parents did the last time I saw them, just as I look like my mother) was exhilarating and exhausting. I slept twelve hours. I have been meeting more old friends here in Glasgow and meeting new ones, and we have another discussion and book signing tonight, sponsored by the Women's Resource Center. Then another mini-workshop at the Senior Center, and back to Wolf Point for the Stampede. I SO hope my energy holds up. So far it's been very rewarding. Next time I'll talk about the child beater that dared to show up at the discussion in Wolf Point.

2007-07-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sidney was the best turnout of all (except for Circle, my home town.) Thirty eight people turned out for the book signing/discussion in the cool library basement, and bought dozens of books. The Sidney library and its staff, along with Deniece Schwab of the Sidney Herald did a wonderful job of spreading the word. Rene Goss, the librarian, vibrant and dedicated professional, who gave us support above and beyond. The Sidney facility has every resource a novice writer could possible need, and if she doesn't have it on the shelves, she will get it from another library. She's ordering some new audio versions of talks by Joel Saltzman and William Zinsser. These are very worthwhile for anyone hoping to write their memoirs.

Now we move on to Wolf Point, in 100 degree heat. We're staying cool though, in our little home on the road, and meeting great people in the RV parks we visit. I had to order even more books from my publisher in Victoria, BC. They printed and shipped the last order in six days! Great service.

2007-07-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

Wireless is wonderful. I am sitting in my air conditioned car in the shady parking lot at the Sidney library, catching up on my e-mail, blog posting and enjoying a cappucino. The announcement about our session here in Sidney is on three radio stations (that I've found so far.) The local newspapers and radio in eastern Montana has done a great job. I'll report on the Sidney session tomorrow.

2007-07-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

Glendive was great! We had an excellent turnout at the book discussion, about thirty five people, and ten at the workshop on memoir and self publishing. I've met many wonderful people, and renewed old acquaintances. I'm glad I had Trafford ship more books.

Glendive has one of the most beautiful and well equipped library facilities I've ever seen in a small town, a former bank; and the golf course is extremely well maintained, affordable and accessible. Our chosen RV park, Green Valley RV, supplied us with all our basic needs at a very affordable price. Glendive is altogether a great little town.

We will head for Sidney today. Forecasts are for a return to extreme heat. So glad for air conditioning!

2007-06-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize nine days had gone by since my last post. We have had great sessions about the two books, in Miles City and in Circle. Many people turned out, many books were sold. At least forty people were fitted into the small Circle library. It was amazing; some of the people my dad had offended or damaged over the years were there. Everyone has been so kind, and complimentary about the book. We've had small turnouts for the mini-workshops on memoir writing and self-publishing, but very lively discussions.

We have spent a few days in Glendive, waiting for our session on Monday. Except for a couple days of extreme heat, it's been very enjoyable. There is a lovely golf course, and we toured Makoshika state part, so far. Dinosaurs next.

Sidney is next, on July 5th. Our contacts there have expressed high anticipation in meeting us and obtaining the second book, "Walking Wounded.")

I'm going to embarrass myself, but would the lady (I have forgotten your name) who called for the Northern News Network, log onto my website (www.dancingonhisgrave.com) and click on the button titled "Excerpts." These "snapshots" will give you a good idea what kind of man we are discussing and a partial scope of the abuse he inflicted. As I explained, the sexual abuse of my oldest sister starting at age 13 is mentioned but not emphasized, simply because the array of outrages becomes almost overwhelming.

I'll try to improve the frequency of my posting.

2007-06-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so spoiled by having broadband at my fingertips when we're in Sequim. On this trip, I'm learning to appreciate it, while I hunt for internet cafes, RV parks or hotels that provide wireless internet. Thankfully, it's becoming more and more common and available.

We've checked into the KOA in Miles City, preparing for the first book signing and workshop tomorrow at noon. Nerves are not too bad yet. Weather forecast is for TRIPLE digit temperatures. I'm not accustomed to such conditions anymore (nor the mosquitos.)

Russ and I are working on an update to my website, to include info about "Walking Wounded."

2007-06-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

Here we are in White Sulphur Springs, Montana. We had an enjoyable--albeit uneventful--trip from Washington, pulling our travel trailer. We found our house and grounds in very good condition, thanks to lots of spring rain and the ministrations of our next door neighbor, who takes care of the yard. We were settled in within hours of our arrival. I had to ask Trafford to ship my last few shipments of books for the tour directly to WSS, and they have all arrived safely.

Shortly after we arrived, I received a call from the Women's Resource Center in Glasgow (Montana) asking if I might be a speaker at a gathering being held to celebrate the opening of their new building. I was happy to oblige, and we have set the date for July 11, the day before I will be speaking to the Glasgow area seniors about writing memoir and self-publishing. It is shaping up to be a very busy six weeks, beginning with Miles City on June 22.

I have become very spoiled having broadband internet service in Sequim (WA) and an wireless internet cafe on practically every corner. I'll have to learn to adjust to whatever service is available in eastern Montana. It will be interesting to see how the area has progressed technologically, especially in RV parks.

I'm eager to get my tour started. That will happen when the sprinkler system is operating to Jim's satisfaction. Thank goodness for all the rain; it bought us the time to make needed repairs.

I LOVE: Watching the rain clouds approach over Mount Edith.
Watching all the golf carts going past our house on the way to Arrowhead Meadows.
Having only three snowy channels on TV accessed by rabbit ears, and watching old musicals on the old VCR as a substitute.
Finishing the third coat of stain on my deck, after power washing the peeling finish off.
Just being back in Montana.

2007-05-21T10:15:00.001-07:00

I have found two quotes that seem to illustrate my rationale for the angst I've put myself through for the last five years in writing the family story. These will, I'm sure, become my mantra.

Dylan Thomas said: "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." I'd like to add a line, "Do not give up without a fight." This explains for me why I don't want to go into my "goodnight" without exposing the way he tried to kill "the light" for so many innocent people.

Kahlil Gibran said: "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." This helps me realize that there may have been something positive in my sisters' and my emergence from our childhood. We are strong.

2007-05-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

Progress is being made! My workshop/book signing schedule for the next three months is set. I will be presenting mini-workshops in eleven Montana communities between June 22 and October 10. The two hour workshops will provide information about writing memoir and self publishing (also called "Print-on-Demand" publishing.) In addition, at each location I will have readings from both books, along with book signing. I've coerced Jim into going with me, so we'll take our RV and call it a summer vacation.

The schedule so far is as follows:

Miles City June 22
Circle June 25
Glendive July 2
Sidney July 5
Wolf Point July 9
Glasgow July 12
Back to Wolf Point for book signing during the Stampede July 13 & 14
Malta July 20
Livingston July 27
Big Timber July 28 An all-day workshop presented by Sagebrush Seminars (Gwen Petersen)
White Sulphur Springs August 3rd-5th Meagher County Bookfest
Missoula Festival of the Book September 13-15
Dillon Early October

For time and location, you may post the question here, or contact me at Mtbarb@yahoo.com If there are any changes in the schedule, I will post the information. I may be able to squeeze in a book signing in Lewistown the week of July 23, and I would like to attend the High Plains Bookfest in Billings in late October. Stay tuned. My energy level may not get me that far.

Onward!

2007-05-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm almost ready with my mini book tour around Montana. I have set up workshops and seminars in twelve communities in two months (June and July.) It seems daunting. At the workshops I'll be talking about writing memoir and self-publishing, along with introducing "Walking Wounded" and signing both books. Everyone I've talked to has been so gracious, and excited to have the event in their towns. All the libraries have said there is a three to four month waiting list for "Dancing." It will be an interesting adventure. Now it's time to get the RV ready.

I will have the proof copy of "Walking" in my hands tomorrow. I'm eagerly waiting. This one was much easier than "Dancing." I need the first shipment to take with me to Montana. I hope there's time.

Russ (my layout artist) and I have learned a lot, that I'm going to share on the tour. Russ is moving to northern California in June. Thank God for the internet. He'll still be able to work with me.

2007-04-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

Mystery solved! Trafford keeps track of Amazon sales. There is a huge backlog of Amazon sales in my royalty account, but Amazon only pays every six months or more. The biggest relief is knowing there IS accountability.

Walking Wounded is now in Trafford's hands, so I'll be sending out cards noting availability soon. Early readers have said they like WW even better than Dancing. I hope all my friends will let me know what they think, and leave comments on the Barnes and Noble and Amazon websites.

I'm planning my Montana book tour. Right now I have the whole summer blocked off.

Later.

2007-04-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here for awhile. Computer crash! Advice: Don't download Microsoft's "Defender" onto an older computer without help (unless you're above average in computer savvy. I'm definitely not.)

I've learned interesting things. Barnes and Noble has bought the right to print "Dancing on His Grave" and is selling their own version (they are paying appropriate royalties.) Their version looks different from the original--creme paper and laminated cover. I don't think the black and white graphics are as high quality as Trafford's. Now, an outlet in the United Kingdom is doing the same. I'm still clueless about Amazon. I know they're selling books, but I haven't seen them on my royalty statement.

I've decided that during my promotional tour around Montana this summer, I will present a workshop on self-publishing. What a fascinating subject it is.

I'm finalizing "Walking Wounded."

2007-03-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

I just received the ranking for the Writer's Digest International Self-Published Book Awards competition for 2006. "Dancing on His Grave" placed fourth in the Life Stories category from among more than 300 entries, and in the top 50 entries overall, from among more than 2,400 entries. The writers who ranked lower include Phds, teams of Phds, etc, My questions are obvious. I will continue to soldier on.

2007-02-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Another bookstore owner has labeled "Dancing on His Grave" too grim to include in her stock of books. Why does revealing the animal-like underbelly of human nature make "nice people" uncomfortable? Was it Thomas Jefferson who said, (paraphrased) "All it takes for tyranny to prevail is for good men to do nothing." Please, you "good men (and women)," rethink your position. Suck up your queasiness and get involved, for the sake our our innocents. Don't let tyranny, among the most vulnerable members of our society, prevail.

2007-02-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

I'm told that the web address I gave for the infamous Mecum brothers doesn't work. Let's try this one. It's worth visiting. Again, these guys are my great uncles (my grandmother's brothers, on my dad's side.) http://www.asphistory.com/mec-menu.htm

I have fun discussing this with my husband Jim. His great-uncle (on his mother's side) Dick Logan was building an airport in Billings, Montana, at the same time as my great-uncles were shooting their way out of prison.

2007-02-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

Barbara Richard

In a few months my journey (compiling "Dancing on His Grave" and "Walking Wounded") will be five years old. In spite of the financial outlay and the disappointment at not yet finding a publisher who shares my vision, it has been gratifying. I will continue to move forward. Occasinally check www.dancingonhisgrave.com. It will be a website soon.

2007-02-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

Barbara Richard

Thanks for posting, Patia. Yikes! I didn't read my post before I hit enter. I had lost hope that anyone would ever read it. So I got sloppy.

2006-12-30T09:54:00.000-08:00

Barbara Richard
I have an agreement for the Print-on-Demand publication of "Walking Wounded," the sequel to "Dancing on His Grave." Stay tuned. Holiday Greetings and wishes for a great 1907 to all.

2006-12-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

Barbara Richard

We had a wonderful holiday, now it's back to work. Snow and ice kept us indoors after Thanksgiving for several days; good weather to inspire writing (my gym even closed. I missed it!) I'm working on book III, "Chasing Ghosts," and working with a graphic artist to develop a website. What a challenge for a technology-challenged person. I'll post the address when we're happy with it. A big part of that book is the story of two of my great-uncles; outlaws so infamous they have their own website: http--www.asphistory.com-mec-menu.htm (I know this looks peculiar, but it works. You need to type it in.)

I am hearing from more and more people who have read "Dancing on His Grave" and are wanting to talk about their own stories. I will make time to respond to all. I will also step up the pace on producing the second book in the series, "Walking Wounded." Thanks to everyone who has shown their wonderful support.

2006-11-19T11:53:00.000-08:00

Barbara Richard Another baby girl (3 years old) murdered by a nineteen-year-old man in Butte. What does it take to empower (or inspire, or enable, or insist that) parents protect their children? The suffering of these little ones cannot continue to be ignored. My four sisters and I have long felt that if my dad, in one of his malignant rages, had killed one of us, Mom would have helped him lie or bury the body. What a legacy to grow up with!

2006-11-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've returned from Boise, where the Western Literature Association held its annual convention. I participated in a panel discussion on domestic abuse in the west. The second day, the panel presented the same program at Boise State University for the public, including law officers, the Criminal Justice students and the Boise State Women's Center. We were well received. It is reassuring to learn that going through the agony of discussing my childhood and my psychopathic father is helpful to victims who have similar experiences or friends who need help. The book, "Dancing on His Grave" is selling--a few copies--wherever I speak.

After six such gatherings this summer and fall, I'm REALLY ready to stay home and write. I need to finish the Epilogue of book II, "Walking Wounded." It's the hardest part, because my coach, editor, and friend Judy Blunt, tells me that every sentence I write in this part carries the weight of the entire story on its back. It's very hard for me to get a loop around this whole mess and try to make sense or draw conclusions about the ongoing effect this man had on all his daughters. I continue to struggle.

Meanwhile, I'm also working on research for Book III. It's more fun, because I love history. It goes back to the Civil War, and hopefully will examine conditions and circumstances that could have helped create a monster like my father. I'm tentatively calling it "Chasing Ghosts."

I'd love to hear comments.

2006-10-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

THANKS SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME PRACTICE. UPLOADING PHOTOS, ETC., IS ALL NEW FOR ME. MAYBE THIS SIZE WILL LET YOU READ THE COMMENTS BY JUDY BLUNT.

2006-10-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from my book. Any and all comments are welcome.

PROLOGUE

During my mother’s life with my dad, he gave her many opportunities to remember what her sister Virginia, or “Din,” told her when she first started dating him. “You don’t want to get serious about that guy.”
“Why not? I thought you liked him,” Mom asked.
“I thought I liked him, too, until someone pointed out that all his horses are head-shy.” Din said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mom demanded.
Din said, “It means he beats them over the head with a fence post because he can’t do enough damage with a whip.”
“I don’t believe that!” Mom retorted.
“If you don’t believe me, ask a horseman,” Din said.
Mom laughed and told Din she thought that was a funny way to judge a man. “Anyway, what does that have to do with me?”

CATHERINE

It’s a cold, windy day in spring. Dad and I are trying to bring in some horses that have been running out all winter. They are thin, with shaggy, long winter hair. One mare has a new-born colt. He is in the pickup and I am on Minn, our old white kid horse. The horses are wild and won’t respond to my efforts to herd them toward the corrals. The terrain where we are is too rough for Dad to do much with the pickup, so about all he is doing is screaming at me from half a mile away. In that wind, I don’t know for sure what he is screaming about, or what he wants me to do.
Suddenly the horses start milling around in confusion, and I am able to ride right up to them. Bewildered, I see that the mother of the baby colt has her head down. She is bleeding through the nose, and I can hear gurgling. She nickers softly to her colt. Then the baby colt falls dead and almost at the same moment I realize that he is shooting. I don’t know if he is shooting at me or the horses. I am so scared that I just blank out. I see the rest of the slaughter as from a distance, through kind of a tunnel. Two more young horses hump up as the bullets hit them in the “guts,” and the mare is now on the ground, breathing her last. I’m paralyzed. I can’t even climb down from Minn to protect myself. Another horse goes down squealing in agony.
The rest of the day is forever erased from my memory, except for the never-ending scene of the dying horses and my conviction that I will never live to be an adult.

FIONA

She is six, and she and Catherine have been told to go bring in the sheep. She is trotting along behind the band, the yellow clouds of dust kicked up by their sharp hooves billowing around her and settling on her freckled arms and sun-bleached hair. She starts picking up pretty rocks and putting them in a pouch she fashioned in her shirt-tail. Suddenly, as she straightens up with a new treasure, there he is, looming huge right behind her. She hears, “Git them sheep on the run, you sonovabitch!”
She feels the big boot hit her in the spine. Her rocks go flying. As she comes back to consciousness, all she can remember is the terror. She’s on her feet, and they are moving, the sheep are still in front of her, but he has disappeared. When she looks back, she’s even more terrified. She is way down the coulee, a long way from where she was just a split second before when he kicked her. She realizes she has a big bruise on the side of her head, and her hands are cut and bleeding.
The awestruck fear stays with her all through the chore of watering and penning the sheep. She eats her supper in silence, her head aching, big round eyes watching him from the end of the table, wondering how he made her forget going all that way with the sheep. She doesn’t remember him kicking her down until a long time later.

PRIS

He is trashing the house again. He has already knocked Mom across the room, blackening her eye. He tips over the table, smashing the half finished meal and dishes, and rips down the soot filled stove pipe. The baby is screaming in her crib. The older girls are hanging on his arm begging him to stop. They go flying when he swings his big arm. Prissie runs and climbs up in the old rocking chair and starts rocking furiously. She slaps herself on the cheeks over and over with both hands, crying frantically, “You don’t have to beat me, Daddy. I’ll slap myself! See, Daddy, I’m slapping myself!” She’s three years old.

BARBIE

She is screaming, dancing and side-stepping around the table; I can see her back through the window facing the camper trailer where I slept until the crashes and screams launched me to my feet, trembling in fear; the light cold and gray like the terror, landing on her and me through our respective windows. Please Daddy; Please Daddy; Please Daddy Honey; the refrain so familiar, repeated daily, weekly since I've been able to understand words. “Please Daddy, don=t kill anybody else”, her voice is a shriek, keening like the cold wind racing between the trailer and gray shabby house.
Oh, God, no, please. He didn't. Oh, God. He's done it, finally done it. But they're not all dead yet. I must help, it's my job, he likes me best. I have to hurry--into the nightmare. He hates Naomi, but she's not dead, dancing behind the window, so it must be Mom who he hates or Fiona who he also hates. I will hurry maybe I can save Pris or Catherine or maybe the other one who is not dead yet.
My stomach is knotted, sick. Cold. stiff fingers try to zip my jeans, feet resist thrusts at my tattered sneakers; no need to be quiet this time, shaky legs carry me through the kitchen door. Cautious now, senses flaring testing the scene: heating stove on its back, contents of the pot belly regurgitated, black soot, gray ashes, framing scuffled footprints on cabbage flower linoleum. Table legs turned up, smashed dishes, food stuck on walls. No blood; no prone body. White faces, trembling lips, no tears--too much terror for tears--Mom's black eye. Dawning relief. Two walls and the whistling wind transmuting her words, “Please Daddy don't hit anybody else,” into the certainty that this was the day we have awaited for years, our last on earth. If he kills one he will kill us all. No, not today. The terror continues.

NAOMI

Breakfast is over; Mom and Dad are sitting at the table finishing their coffee. Naomi, age five, quietly sidles up to Mom, hoping for a touch or hug, any small show of affection. As she approaches, she rolls her feet to the outside edges, so her footsteps won’t make noise. Her shoes are run over from her established style of walking.
Trying to stay far away from Dad, she gently leans on Mom’s shoulder. Mom’s arm slides around her waist. Dad’s head jerks up from his newspaper. “Quit hangin’ on yer mother, you sonovabitch!” Mom starts guiltily and snatches her arm back. Dad swivels in his chair, and planting his boot in Naomi’s small chest, shoves her with his foot as if she was an obnoxious dog. She goes flying, scrambles to her feet and scuttles out the door, still rolling her feet outward for silence.

MOM
March 18, 1952

My, I hope no one ever reads this journal but me. They’ll sure think I’m a chronic complainer if they do. Really it’s just letting off steam in a place where it won’t hurt anybody. I have sense enough to know that to go around all the time with that stuff in your head and to be eternally choking it off and not letting any of it escape is unhealthy and liable to lead to many bad things, but I can’t go around taking it out on the family. My girls don’t deserve such treatment. How it tickles me to watch them when they are engrossed in something the way they were with that calf this morning – and then coming out to wash their hands and so eager to tell me all about it. I hope they will always eagerly tell me every little detail of what interests them.
And Catherine! I wish I could tell her or let her know in some way how well I know what she thinks about, and what bothers her. I‘m sure I could help her to see plainly –Oh well –Anyway, she knows I’m always here for her to call on when she needs me, and I’m always for her – and all my little girls, one hundred percent. That helps some, I hope. I guess I’m not really a very good and wise mother, but I do the best I know how, and my love is unlimited. And they do have a good father. That much I managed to do. In fact, he is a wonderful father. I hope they will always remember what he has given them -– not money and things, but love and understanding. It makes a lump in my throat to see him carefully and patiently explain something to them, when they come to him for information So many men are so completely uninterested in their children.
Oh dear! My fountain pen is running dry and I’m afraid I’ll wake him up if I get up to hunt for ink, and that would be bad. More later.

2006-10-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

My first book, titled "Dancing on His Grave" has been self-published, and is available at www.Trafford.com/06-0409. The website contains excerpts from the book and details about myself, my mother and my four sisters' lifelong dealings with a narcissistic sociopath. I'm putting the finishing touches on a sequel, titled "Walking Wounded," and have the third book in the trilogy, tentatively titled "Chasing Ghosts," in skeleton form.

I'd love to hear from people who share with me the tragedy of domestic abuse including sexual abuse and incest. My emphasis is on the strength and endurance of the human spirit, and the need to break the chain of abuse before it passes to the next generation.

Barbara Richard